I think our options are: 1.) We get divorced because he can only find a job in his home country, and I’m unwilling to move there. 2.) His green card lapses, but he does everything he can to get a job in the U.S. that would sponsor a work visa. 3.) We spend another boatload of money on an immigration lawyer (AGAIN) to help with the green card and he comes back and mopes around until he DEIGNS to get a job at Publix so his wife (ew) doesn’t have to be the sole breadwinner. Or 4.) He swallows his pride and borrows money from my dad to pay off his contract.
To make matters worse, I just got laid off from my tech job, and even though I have six months of expenses saved with no lifestyle change, if we have to get lawyers involved for either the first of third options, I’m worried about paying for it.
I don’t even believe in tarot, but desperate times call for desperate measures, I guess?—Logical wife

Cards for how you view the marriage/ your desire for the marriage/how to achieve that: Two of Cups, Six of Pentacles (both reversed); Nine of Wands (reversed), Four of Pentacles; The Tower, Page of Swords (reversed)

Cards for how he views the marriage/his desires for it/ how to achieve that: Ten of Swords, New Moon; Queen of Cups, Three of Pentacles (both reversed); Knight of Cups, Page of Pentacles

Dear LW,

If you have quite a bit of savings and aren’t currently working, why not visit your husband for a few weeks? It seems like you both need to have some difficult conversations and manage some very stressful situations; perhaps it would be easier and more clarifying if it was face-to-face. (And I imagine LinkedIn works just as well in Lisbon or Lima or wherever your husband lives.)

Since your letter didn’t ask a specific question, I asked a few of my own. The first is how you both view your current marriage. It seems like you still view your marriage as having the potential to be something wonderful. The Two of Cups is the potential for a great love story, and the Six of Pentacles is sharing our wealth, values and life with someone. It’s potential, but not realization.

Your husband, on the other hand, seems to be in a dark place. The Ten of Swords is a card of fear, crisis, and feeling utterly defeated. With the quiet black of The New Moon, I think he’s trying to figure out a plan to save it, but the idea hasn’t arrived yet.
You mentioned the “goal” of marriage, so I asked what each of you wants for your marriage. For your husband, the Queen of Cups suggests he wants you—a loving, accepting you—and with the Three of Pentacles, he wants a collaborative partnership, one that allows each of you to ask for help and work together equally. With both cards being reversed, he may have wanted this for a long time.

Your cards suggest other priorities. The Nine of Wands sometimes appears when we are trying to micromanage the universe and control things that are way out of our control. And I think you might be doing this from a place of unexamined fear. The Four of Pentacles is a card that shows up when we prioritize our personal comfort over growth, often due to fear or misunderstanding. (It’s also a card that suggests seeking therapy. Perhaps personal and couples counseling?)

Do you think that you are willing to compromise on certain comforts if it means your marriage would get stronger? Are you flexible and adaptable when outside circumstances force you to pivot? Are you willing to honestly look at your own behaviors? Do you want to be married if it means saying “yes” to the above questions?

I know nothing about your marriage. I cannot, in good faith, speculate when I only have a short letter from you and don’t even know your husband’s name. But I can notice things. For instance, you don’t mention if you love your husband. You don’t mention being happy living together—you say the opposite, in fact. You mention his depression but then call it “moping around.” You suggest that he’s being silly or haughty for not getting a job at Publix but don’t mention what it would mean to him to leave his home country, family, friends, and career as a university professor in order to immigrate to a new country and only work in a grocery store. You mention that if the roles were reversed, if you had to leave your country and family and friends, you would choose divorce over immigration.

I do not know your situation. I do not know where your husband lives or what this situation looks like beyond what you’ve written. But, from your letter and the cards, I think you two might want different things.

In order to get what you desire—personal comfort, an orchestrated fate—I do think divorce is the path forward. With The Tower, I think the institution would have to fall, and the Page of Swords suggests you’d find it freeing (in the short term.)
For your husband, in order to get to his dream marriage of love, acceptance, and partnership, he has to be his most vulnerable, charming, romantic self, a true Knight of Wands. The Page of Pentacles suggests that he has to work hard at that, has to be willing to learn and open for growth.

I think some deep soul-searching on your end and some honest conversations with your husband are the first steps. If you find that you still want to have a loving relationship, one that shares everything, then I think your husband is more than willing to work towards that. But, if you decide you don’t want to be married, proceed with the divorce.

No matter what you choose, I do strongly recommend working with a therapist through all of this. Neither option promises immediate happiness, but a therapist can help you tolerate the unhappiness of your choosing.

I also hope that the cards are wrong, that you both want the same thing, that you get to work towards that, that you live a wonderful, happy life together, laughing at how silly tarot is.

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Is there any way to enjoy anal while having a hemorrhoid?

Nope, sorry. You need to wait for it to heal.

I’m a 36-year-old man. If I get too psyched out to stay hard for (extremely rare) anal with my wife, should I just get some Viagra?

Well, that depends. Does your wife like long anal sex sessions? If the answer to that question is yes, then Viagra could help. Because in addition to helping you get and stay hard, Viagra and other ED meds can delay orgasm. But if your wife doesn’t like long anal sex sessions—if she generally wants you to hurry the fuck up and get the assfucking over with—lasting longer could make those already rare anal sex sessions rarer still. Maybe try a cockring instead?

P.S. Whenever someone writes “penis-haver” my slightly dyslexic brain reads “penis-halver,” as in, someone who cuts a penis in half—which some people in the body modification community have done, and bon(e) appetit to anyone brave enough to do a Google image search.

For those that like to fuck outside on hikes and while camping… should we be wary of trail cams or GoPros people are hiding in trees for whatever reason? How to spot them?

If people are doing that—if people are hiding cameras on popular hiking trails—well, then you should indeed be wary. Hike the beaten path, don’t fuck on it.

An ex-boyfriend is seeing trans prostitutes. Do I tell his current wife IF an opportunity to do so should arise? And it will, as we live on a small island. I would’ve wanted to know if we were still together. Should she not be offered the same?

If you truly live on a small island—small enough that everyone knows everyone else’s business but large enough to have more than one trans sex worker—then your ex-boyfriend’s wife is gonna find out sooner or later. But even if it means she finds out a little later, it would be better if she found out from someone other than you. Assuming your ex’s wife doesn’t already know and approve, if the bearer of bad news is a bitter ex—or someone who can easily be cast as one—your ex-boyfriend will have a much easier time convincing his wife that it isn’t true. Better she should hear it from the vicar.

I’m a gay boy in the big city and I want to start doing sex work as a side gig. But I have no idea how to start. First steps?

First steps: get vaccinated against monkeypox, Hep A and B, and HPV, and get on PrEP. Then talk with other people who are doing or have done sex work. There are a lot of sex workers on Twitter; most aren’t there to solicit customers, but to advocate for their rights and create community. Follow and learn.

I met a guy that is very gifted at giving me multiple orgasms, but I have a hard time getting him to come at all. Any advice?

If he doesn’t want to come, don’t make him. No problem. But if he’s not coming because you want to make him come with your own hand, pussy, or mouth and he can’t come that way, then there is a problem here, and it’s you. Give him permission to enjoy oral and PIV and whatever else you both enjoy before finishing himself off with the same skilled hands he’s using to get you off. Problem solved.

What is the best lube for anal sex with sensitive skin?

We’re big fans of Spunk. Full disclosure: This isn’t a paid endorsement—but the last time I mentioned Spunk in a column, they sent me a case. That was years ago… and we’re almost out. Cough, cough.

We often talk about warning signs/red flags with kinky Doms. What about subs?

No one should play with…

Go to Savage.Love to read the rest.

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I have a question about choking. Or should that be simulated choking? I’ve recently discovered that being pinned down by my neck is a huge turn on for me. I love the feeling of being dominated and controlled, and of feeling my partner’s strength on this part of my body. I’m much more interested in this feeling than in actual breath control or oxygen deprivation. I’ve been reading up on choking because I’m trying to make sure I can be manhandled in the way I like as safely as possible. However, all the advice about choking is about how dangerous it is. But most of the advice concentrates on the dangers of restricting oxygen (which is not what I am going for) or on damaging the windpipe by putting pressure on the front of the throat (which my partners avoid). So, my question is… how dangerous is this kind of simulated choking play really? Play where one person is being held down by their throat with only mild pressure? What can we do to make it as safe as possible? I’m having a hard time finding good answers, and given how wet this makes my pussy, abstaining from this activity is not an option for me.—Please I Need More Expertise

“Choking and other forms of breath play used to be very uncommon,” said Dr. Debby Herbenick. “But over the past decade, choking has become extremely common, especially among people under 40.”

Dr. Herbenick is a professor at Indiana University School of Public Health, a prolific and widely published sex researcher, and the author of many books, including The Coregasm Workout: The Revolutionary Method for Better Sex Through Exercise. A few years ago, Dr. Herbenick’s students began asking her about choking, with some sharing harrowing stories of being choked by sex partners without their consent. There was very little data out there about choking, which was all over porn sites, and that inspired Dr. Herbenick and some colleagues to undertake the first serious and scientifically rigorous studies of sexual choking.

“The reason that so many sites say choking is dangerous is because it is dangerous,” said Dr. Herbenick. “That’s not a scare tactic. Although rare, people do occasionally die from being choked, which is technically a form of strangulation, and people have gone to jail for accidentally injuring or killing a partner during consensual choking.”

Most people who’ve experimented with choking describe the act as “consensual, wanted, and pleasurable,” according to Dr. Herbenick’s research. Which raises another concern: the false sense of security many have about it.

“Because most people experiment with choking without any obvious negative repercussions, they often think they’re doing it ‘safely,’ and that may not be the case,” said Dr. Herbenick. “And because people sometimes engage in choking frequently, there may be cumulative effects on the brain—in other words, negative effects that build up over time rather than from a single incident of being choked. Cumulative incidents are difficult to notice as they’re happening. However, even mild pressure on the neck/throat is likely to reduce oxygen to the brain because it involves compressing blood vessels. The kinds of cumulative effects that may occur include greater likelihood of depression, anxiety, ringing in the ears, headaches, and memory issues, among others, though we need more research to say for sure.”

So, is there a safe way to create the sensation of being choked—or pinned down by your neck—without the risk?

“Some people who are into choking but who don’t want to take on these risks ask their partner to lightly press against their collarbone but not their throat,” said Dr. Herbenick. “And PINME is correct that any pressure to the front of the throat is particularly risky, given how vulnerable the windpipe is to injury. Other people decide to ask their partner to choke them anyway but only rarely, to reduce the likelihood of cumulative risk.”

Obviously, consent to a sex practice as risky as choking is only meaningful if everyone involved is fully informed of the risks. Someone who asks to be choked—when a person like you, PINME, requests to be choked during sex—has a duty to fully inform their partner of the risks they’ll be running.

“It’s not fair to put someone in the position of doing something that could accidentally hurt or kill you, and making them potentially criminally or legally responsible, without their full understanding of the risks they’re taking,” said Dr. Herbenick. “All that said, adults can consent and opt into all sorts of risky things—flogging, barebacking, sex with strangers, unprotected vaginal intercourse after forgetting a week’s worth of birth control pills, skydiving, rock climbing, and various watersports. Whatever risky activity we enjoy—whether it involves sex or not—we need to learn about potential risks, think through potential harm reduction strategies, and proceed with caution.”

And what would harm reduction and/or worst-case-scenario reduction strategies look like where erotic choking was concerned?

“If mild pressure is being used, make sure she can fully breathe, speak, has a safe word AND gesture—in case she does lose ability to speak—and that her desire for mild pressure—very mild pressure—is clearly understood by her partner,” said Dr. Herbenick. “Further, if PINME starts to experience visual changes, lightheadedness, dizziness, or euphoria, then that suggests she is likely experiencing lower oxygen levels and potential neurological effects.”

And that’s definitely a moment when you’ll want to use your safeword or gesture, PINME, while you still can.

You can follow Dr. Debby Herbenick on Twitter @DebbyHerbenick and find out more about her research into choking—and sexual pleasure and communication and vibrator use and more—at her website: www.debbyherbenick.com.

I’m a 23-year-old gay boy and my best friend is a straight girl my same age. She likes to say we share everything about our love lives but…

Go to Savage.Love to read the rest.

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A friend hooked me up with a much younger guy for weed. Let’s call him “Pretty Boy.” He knew something about me—Pretty Boy had been to a party at my house—and I knew something about him: he’s a burner, like our mutual. Consent is supposed to be a core burner value and before we hook up, Pretty Boy asks if he can bring his paddles. So, we had a talk and I tell him I’m open to a little pain, but I’m mostly meh about it. (Except love bites. I love me some love bites.) Long story short: Pretty Boy thinks he’s a great fuck cuz he’s got a great big one and can pound long and hard. My pussy ain’t been touched in almost three years but so far as I know “OUCH” is the universal safe word! Maybe I should’ve picked a better one because I had to say it so many times! I figured it was heat of the moment stuff, so I wasn’t mad, and agreed to hook up again. Much more OUCH, but on both sides this time. (Love bites!) Next day I’m figuring out how to manage this. I find a thing called an Ohnut and I tell Pretty Boy I’m willing to plunk down the money. Whatever it takes to make his PIV pounding less OUCH. And then we have this conversation:

So, Pretty Boy doesn’t care if you come or not, he ignores your feedback during sex, and he engages in rough sex knowing it’s sometimes painful—in a bad way—for his sex partners.

Fuck that guy.

By which I mean, of course, don’t fuck that guy. But you’re obviously tempted to fuck that guy again, BASTARD, as you make clear in your letter. (A letter I spent an hour editing for, um, clarity.) You wanna fuck Pretty Boy again because he’s the “finest thing” you’ve ever gotten to touch. Pretty Boy is so hot, BASTARD, that you’re tempted to fuck him despite wanting to set him on fire—in a bad way—after you spoke to him about the sex being painful.

Look, BASTARD, having a hot FWB is great, but having a hot FWB—or boyfriend or girlfriend or enbyfriend—who’s a shitty, selfish, inconsiderate lover is a lot like owning a house with an amazing view that happens to be right next door to a trash incinerator. Sooner or later you get used to the view and start taking it for granted, BASTARD, and the only thing you really notice after that is the stench.

Still, if you’re inclined to extend Pretty Boy the benefit of the doubt, BASTARD, it wouldn’t be hard to whip one up. He’s young! It’s entirely possible all the women he’s fucked up to this point in his short life liked his style, i.e., long and hard pounding! It’s also possible the woman he’s fucked hated his style and, like you, hoped Pretty Boy would hear “OUCH,” stop, solicit their feedback, and correct course. Seeing that’s not something he’s either able or inclined to do, you’re gonna have to use your words and the actual leverage you have over him—your pussy, not your mutuals—to get him to fuck you without physically hurting you.

If he wants back in your pussy, tell him he has do it/things/you differently. More foreplay, going slower, using lube, not going all the way in (with or without an Ohnut)—whatever he needs to do to make sex more comfortable and pleasurable for you, that needs to be a clearly-stated (by you!) and enforced (ditto!) condition of him getting anywhere near your pussy ever again.

And if he laughs it off, BASTARD, set him on fire*. P.S. What happened to the paddles?

I’m a cis woman in a relationship with a cis man for eight years. The sex is fantastic, mostly because we prioritize connection, play and pleasure rather than penetration or orgasms, though we have plenty of both. My partner lasts a long time and only comes about a third of the time. About half the time we do PIV he outlasts both my own orgasm and the lube, meaning that I’ll stop things when the friction becomes painful and he’ll either finish outside of me or won’t come at all. These options work for us and the sex is consistently great! The dilemma is that we’ve decided to start trying to conceive, which requires him to come inside me. I’m worried that the emphasis on this one act will put so much pressure on him that sex will become less fun. I’m also worried it will make ejaculation even more difficult. Do you have any suggestions on how to make this more playful? Maybe a suggestion on how to get the lube to last longer? Is there a way to eroticize the whole process more? Or is subpar sex just an inevitable part of trying to conceive?—Conception Really Impeding My Pleasures

Subpar sex while you’re trying to conceive kindasorta comes with the territory, CRIMP, and it may be the least of your worries…

Go to Savage.Love to read the rest.

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I’m a mid-50s gay man, married to a man. We’ve been together 30 years. We love each other and have built a great life together, but our sex life is so lackluster it’s nearly extinct. After years of trying to get my spouse to talk about our likes, wants, needs, and differences, and after years making suggestions about how or what we could do either together or apart to improve our sex life, I finally had enough and began having dalliances here and there. I encouraged him to pursue sexual satisfaction where he likes, but his response is always, “I couldn’t do that.”

If what you’re seeking from me, LAD, is some way to tell your husband you’ve been fucking another man for six months without upsetting him, I can’t help you. He’s most likely going to be upset. Additionally, there’s no way to tell your husband about your recently acquired fuckbuddy without putting your vague DADT agreement at risk.

Now, assuming your husband isn’t an idiot, LAD, he knows you’ve been having sex with other men. When you told him to pursue sexual satisfaction elsewhere, he must’ve known you planned to do (or were already doing) the same. But there’s a difference between knowing something because you kinda sorta figured, LAD, and knowing something because you were literally fucking told. And there’s a difference between having sex with other men—one-offs, one at a time—and having sex again and again with one man. (Which, during this monkeypox outbreak, is a far safer option for you and your husband than one-offs.) Sexual infidelity is one thing, emotional infidelity is another.

But the odds your husband will leave you—after 30 years—seem slim. And even if he’s upset at first, who knows? If he’s open to meeting your boyfriend/daddyfriend once his anger dissipates, and if he’s attracted to your Daddy Dom and your Daddy Dom is attracted to him, a series of hot threesomes might revive your sexual connection with your husband. Things could also go from not great to truly terrible—you could wind up getting divorced—but things aren’t going to get better on the sexual front without a shakeup, LAD, and telling the truth is a pretty good way to shake things up. All that said, LAD, telling your husband, “I have a boyfriend, I’d like you to meet him, I think you two might click,” is a big risk and there are no backsies.

I’m a 26-year-old gay man in Arizona. I was with my 38-year-old boyfriend for a year and a half. We were monogamous from the start but when we “laid our kink cards on the table” about six months in (I’m a longtime listener and reader), he “confessed” that he wanted to watch me get fucked by another guy. Or guys, plural. He brought it up literally every time we had sex for a year. Two weeks ago, I got on Grindr (with his OK) to see what was out there. I found a couple and showed him their photos. He was thrilled. We went over to their place, and it felt right, and they both fucked me in front of my boyfriend. My boyfriend—who jerked off and came while watching me get fucked—had a complete meltdown after we left. He called me a bunch of names and accused me of enjoying it too much and broke up with me. I still have my own apartment, thank God, so I took some clothes and left. He says he wants a monogamous relationship now, but not with me because of what happened. I didn’t do anything he didn’t ask me to. I’m heartbroken and filled with regret and can’t stop crying. Was I supposed to fake hating it? Is there any way to salvage this?—Wholly Heartbroken Over Relationship Ending

There’s no way to salvage this, WHORE, but there are two ways of looking at it…

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I’ve also never been on a dating app, so I am not sure if classifying myself as straight would still leave me visible to non-binary folx looking for women. Maybe that’s true, and finding a nuanced label doesn’t really matter.—Limits About Bodies Expressed Lovingly & Sensitively

You could make this complicated. You could describe yourself as an AFAB (assigned female at birth), cis-gender (not trans), femme-presenting (just what it sounds like) allosexual (opposite of asexual) phallophile (dick lover) in an ENM (ethically non-monogamous) LTR (long-term relationship) seeking masc-presenting and/or non-binary allosexual AMAB (assigned male at birth) phallus-havers-and-wanna-users for PIV. (And by the way, “phallophile” was the term you were searching for.)

Or you could keep it simple, LABELS, and just say you’re straight. Which is what you are. You’re a heterosexual woman—you’re a cis woman who’s attracted to members of the opposite sex—and while you require dick and dicking, you’re open to sex partners who don’t identify as men so long as they 1. have dicks and 2. want to use them. And who knows? In addition to getting dicked down by cis men and non-binary AMAB peeps, you might enjoy getting pegged down by cis women or AFAB non-binary peeps who 1. have a strap-on, 2. know how to use it, and 3. won’t ask you eat or touch their vaginas/front holes. All of the above could be included in your bio on whatever hook-up app you’re using.

Oh, gee. Look at that. The less complicated option took longer to explain than the more complicated option. What a world.

Anyway, LABELS, there’s nothing transphobic or gynophobic about clearly and respectfully stating who and what you’re looking for. Use a positive framing (what you want), not a negative one (what you don’t). Indeed, letting people who don’t have penises know not to waste their time on you—cis women, non-binary AFAB peeps, trans men who didn’t opt for bottom surgery, trans women who did—is a courtesy, not an insult. You might hear from some people who aren’t what you’re looking for, LABELS, but you aren’t obligated to respond.

My wife, however, thinks that it’s discriminatory and transphobic for me to reject our friend simply because she has a penis. She insists the presence of a penis should be a non-issue for me. I think this is unfair and, in all honesty, it’s really pissing me off. I like our mutual friend as a person, Dan, and I literally just played with her at a public event! I’m just not interested in dating her! Who’s in the wrong here?!?—Extremely Not Into Dick

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Yes, you do. I tried to raise the alarm about monkeypox on the May 24, 2022, episode of the Savage Lovecast, back when there were 100 cases in 15 countries, all of them among gay and bi men. Now there are more than 5,000 cases all over the world, and almost all of them—more than 99% of cases—are among gay and bi men.

“Right now, it’s behaving very much like an STI—and almost all of the cases have been among men who have sex with men,” said Dr. Ina Park, a professor at the University of California San Francisco School of Medicine and Medical Consultant at the Centers for Disease Control Division of STD Prevention.

Monkeypox, Dr. Park explains, is the milder, gentler cousin to smallpox, and is spread by skin-to-skin contact or through respiratory droplets.

“But anyone who comes into close contact with someone who has monkeypox could catch it,” said Dr. Park. “And unlike other STIs which don’t live for very long outside the body, monkeypox can live for weeks on infected clothing, bedding, and other surfaces—think dildoes, slings, fetish gear—and barriers such as condoms worn over the penis or inside the rectum will protect those areas, but they don’t prevent transmission to other exposed parts of the body. If you notice red painful bumps anywhere on you or your partner’s body—especially the genital/anal area—or if you are exposed to monkeypox, get checked out right away. The sooner you get vaccinated, the better. Check out some resources for monkeypox at cdc.gov.” (And follow @InaParkMd on Twitter.)

OK, that was a quickie question but a long answer. Now onto quickier-quickies.

On your first date, right after a stranger from an app shows up at your door, during your first threesome with that hot couple you just met at a bar—too soon. Even if you’re already feeling it, even if you’re crazy enough to think they might be feeling it already too, you should wait at least six months to say it. But you know what? Once you’ve said it—once you’ve said “I love you” for the first time—feel free to backdate that shit. Go ahead and say, “I wanted to say it before the entrée even came on our first date,” or, “I wanted to say it when you showed up looking better than your pics,” or, “I wanted to say it when you both came inside me simultaneously.”

Is it an overreaction for me, a cis woman who lives in Wisconsin and doesn’t want kids, to not want to have sex with my fiancé since the ruling on abortion? I’ve tried to explain to him that it’s a lot to come to terms with.

Each of us grieves in our own way, and at our own pace. If you’re not feeling sexy right now because of the Supreme Court’s decision to overturn Roe v. Wade—if the chance of an unplanned pregnancy in Wisconsin, where a law from 1849 banning abortion can now be enforced, dries you up—that’s totally understandable. And if your fiancé is anxious to get back to penetrative sex, well, pegging counts. A submissive guy reached out to me via my pretty tame Instagram and wants to send me money and wants nothing in return. Should I say no to this?

In this economy?

New to weed. Best edible for sex?

Ass.

What is it called when a guy jacks off into his own mouth while he’s upside down? Is there a term for that?

I don’t think that has a name. Any suggestions, class?

Being spanked until I’m sobbing is the only way I’ve ever been able to get off. I masturbate after and while being held. It’s literally the only thing that has ever worked for me and my boyfriend of two years won’t do it. Don’t just tell me to dump him. I love him. He is also against opening the relationship. Help?

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I am a 30-year-old trans guy, on T since college, happy and comfortable with my sexuality. However, I can’t find any helpful health info on a fetish I’ve developed: I insert needles directly into my clit, maybe an inch and a half in. I’m not talking through it, like a piercing, but into it, going in at the head and moving down into the shaft. There are lots of porn/BDSM sites that discuss piercing all sorts of “female” anatomy, and many that cover the excitement of needles inserted into the glans of the penis, but few go into details about putting needles directly into the clit itself—and none that I’ve found cover safety. As a trans man, this is a particularly tempting practice because, well, my clit is huge and I have a constant legal supply of safe, sterile needles. Still, I want to know if I am potentially causing permanent nerve damage. I’d like to keep my clit healthy and happy for future use! If one of your connections in the medical world has a sense of this, I’d love to know.

Sticking Things In Clit Knowledgeably
P.S. Your advice is a great and positive force in my life. Thank you.

Yours is the kind of letter that gets me in trouble, STICK.

Clit-having readers and clit-loving readers will be doubling over on the subway, in office cubicles, in the bathrooms aboard Air Force One—wherever my column is read, people will be doubling over. And I will spend the next week wading through furious e-mails from angry/clueless readers convinced that your letter’s appearance in my column will lead to a worldwide clit-sticking boom.

Allow me to address their concerns first: That’s not the way this works, that’s not the way any of this works. People don’t adopt sex practices or kinks after hearing about them. If that were the way it worked—if hearing about a crazy kink inspired otherwise vanilla types to run out and try it—we would all be shoving gerbils in our asses. (We’ve all heard of gerbiling. No one has ever done it. Case closed.)

Okay, STICK, I worked my medical-world connections and found someone who wasn’t just qualified to answer your question, but also willing to do it on the record.

“Piercing and needling, if practiced in a safe and sterile manner, can be stimulating,” said Dr. Brian Fitzsimmons, a gynecologist in Vancouver, BC, (obgynvancouver.ca) and a clinical associate professor at the University of British Columbia. “But permanent damage with needling can occur to the sensory receptors that allow us to experience pleasure and stimulation.”

So the short answer to your question, STICK, is this: Yes, you are risking permanent damage.

“There may be immediate risks with needling, such as bleeding and infection, in addition to long-term side effects,” said Dr. Fitzsimmons. “And potential long-term side effects are especially concerning in regards to very sensitive areas such as the glans of the penis or the clitoris. Short-term stimulation and excitement with needling has the potential to cause permanent damage, chronic discomfort, and numbing of these areas. Permanent scarring and deformation can also occur. This is something that may not be correctable—even with surgery.”

Some adult pleasures come with built-in risks—skydiving, snowboarding, clit-needling—and an adult does a quick risk-reward analysis before deciding if the potential reward (thrills, powder, orgasms) is worth the risk (faulty parachutes, ski-resort food, permanent damage). It’s your clit, STICK, and you’ll have to weigh the risks and rewards for yourself. But you won’t find me sticking needles in my clit.

“If orgasm is mediated by the clitoris or the glans of the penis in the individual,” said Dr. Fitzsimmons, “this practice can cause loss of the ability to achieve orgasm.”

In other words: Anyone who requires clit/dick-head stimulation in order to get off—and that’s pretty much everyone with a clit and/or dick head—shouldn’t be sticking needles into their clit/dick head.

A final thought from Dr. Fitzsimmons: “If you’re engaging in this type of practice, it’s important not to share needles, just like with any other sex toy. The risks of transmitting infections such as HIV, hepatitis, syphilis, and other STIs need to be considered. Anyone having more questions on this or experiencing complications or problems should contact their local clinic or health-care provider.”

During the Jodi Arias trial, it was suggested that Arias made up the story about her and Travis Alexander practicing bondage so there was an excuse for why a knife would be nearby. I was wondering: How common is it for knives to be used or included in bondage scenarios?

Don’t Understand Bondage

I thought the Jodi Arias trial was long over—Nancy Grace and her wake of viewers were picking over fresh carrion the last time I caught her show—but nope: Arias is in the middle of a sentencing retrial. She’s the fucking Kim Kardashian of cold-blooded murderesses.

Knife play is a kink unto itself—it mostly involves drawing a sharp blade across someone’s flesh without actually cutting or drawing blood—and while most knife-play scenes include bondage (helplessness heightening the eroticized threat), only a tiny percentage of bondage scenes include knives. People into rope bondage typically keep a sturdy pair of blunt-edged scissors in their playrooms or gear bags. The scissors are for emergencies, not for play—the last thing a panicking bondage bottom who needs to be untied now wants to see coming at them is a knife.

I’m dating the man of my dreams. The only sticking point: He has a 5-year-old daughter from a previous relationship who lives with him full-time (the mom is out of the picture). The kid is sweet, and the three of us get along great as a “family.” I’ve introduced my boyfriend to my kinks, which include tying him up. He’s been open and enthusiastic, and has discovered a love of being submissive. But he won’t be tied up when his daughter is in the apartment. There’s a lock on his bedroom door, but he says it’s got more to do with the psychology of the situation. The idea of bondage under the same roof as his child bothers him, I guess, or the idea that she could need his help with something and he could be in a situation where I might have to untie him first. This isn’t a big deal now because we don’t live together. (He gets a babysitter and comes over to my place.) But he’s asked me to move in. I want to, but I’m worried about frustration or resentment down the road if this part of our sex life becomes seriously limited.

Can’t Let Innocent Child Know

The fact that your boyfriend gets a babysitter and comes over to your place is a good sign, CLICK. It means his daughter wasn’t so traumatized by the loss/disappearance of her mother that she can’t bear to be separated from her father for an evening. But living with a small child—a small child who doesn’t take a locked door for an answer (and most don’t)—will impact your sex life. But instead of thinking of her presence as a limitation, CLICK, think of it as a challenge. And this one seems like an easily solvable challenge: Right now when you want to tie him up, he gets a sitter and comes over to your place. In the future, once you’ve moved in together, you can drop the kid off at the sitter’s house and head home for a risk-of-kid-pounding-on-the-bedroom-door-free bondage scene. The limitations on your bondage sessions will be no greater once you’re living together.

And invest in some blunt-edged scissors.

On the Lovecast, Dan joins forces with the brothers McElroy from My Brother, My Brother and Me. Swoon! Listen at savagelovecast.com.

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I’m a pretty quiet Midwestern woman currently wracked by a guilty Catholic conscience. My last boyfriend and I were in an open, long-distance relationship. We were together for a year and a half, and things were great fun. We considered each other our primary partners, but I met his other partners and felt fine about most of them, and I got to have some fun playtime back in my own city. Then I finished grad school and wanted to talk about moving to his city. He simply refused to have that conversation, and we broke up. It hurt—a lot—but we resolved to stay friends, and we are still close. A year later, he was diagnosed with cancer. I went to visit him at his request and cuddled him at night as he was wracked by chemo nausea and fatigue. There was some touching (boobs and butts help with nausea, apparently), but mostly I just spooned him and fetched him tea. That same weekend, I met his new, much younger girlfriend (19 to his 28). She is sweet and caring, but she was clearly uncomfortable with my visit, and I belatedly realized that either they aren’t doing the open thing or they haven’t talked much about it. I suddenly felt a little jealous and a lot like an emotional intruder. Not everyone understands the sort of relationship he and I had, but I’m lost on how to be a good friend/former girlfriend to him now. Am I jeopardizing his romantic life by staying his friend? Is it possible for us to stay close without making his current girlfriend jealous? Did I just help him cheat?

Accidental Home Wrecker

Good on you for going to see your ex-boyfriend, AHW. It was absolutely the right thing to do.

As for his current girlfriend: It’s possible that your presence made her uncomfortable, AHW. It’s also possible that she’s socially awkward and you misread her signals. Or perhaps she’s never had to interact with a partner’s ex before. She’s still a teenager—the whole concept of exes remaining on good terms and being there for each other during a crisis may be new to her.

If you and your ex are close enough to spoon during a health crisis, AHW, you’re close enough to ask him a direct question or two about his current relationship. Is it open or closed? If it’s open, are we talking open in practice or open in theory? If it’s the latter, you may be the first “non-primary” partner—or the first ex-primary partner—with whom this girl has ever had to interact. Meaning: She may have been more comfortable with You, the Idea, than she was with You, the Person.

Another question to ask your ex: Will your being around screw up his current relationship? Your ex may still want you around even if the answer is yes. His current girlfriend is very young, and (provided I’m reading the timeline correctly) he’s been with her for less than a year. Right now the support of his old friends may be more valuable to him than this new girlfriend.

So don’t disappear on your ex because you have a hunch his new girlfriend might be jealous, AHW. Talk to him, let him make his own choices, and be there for him.

I consider myself one of the lucky ones: happily married for decades, with a long-term girlfriend. GF is at this point part of the family, and while it hasn’t always been an easy arrangement to sort out, it has worked for over a decade. Recently, I’ve been talking with other nonmonogamous folk and find myself wondering whether I have any responsibility to publicly admit details about my multi-partner lifestyle. Though it’s probably obvious to those we interact with regularly (GF is routinely part of holiday family functions and picks up kids after school, etc.), we have never been directly ASKED, nor have we told. On the one hand, I want others to know that workable long-term nonmonogamy isn’t just a pipe dream, but on the other, the details of my personal life are nobody’s business. I’m certainly no role model, but am I crazy to feel guilt for not being openly poly?

Nonmonogamous, Utterly Normal, Yet Apprehensive

Not everyone who’s poly can be out, NUNYA, just as not everyone who’s gay, bi, trans, kinky, or poz can be out. But the only way to dispel myths about poly people and poly relationships—poly people are all burners, poly relationships don’t work out for the long term, all nonmonogamous relationships ultimately fail—is for poly people to come out when and where they can. So if you’re in a position to be out, NUNYA, you should come out.

And while your poly relationship isn’t anyone’s business, it’s not something you should have to hide, either.

I am a straight female who has been in a relationship for the last decade. We are high-school sweethearts who lost our virginity to each other. We are now engaged, but for the last few years, we have been having a recurring issue. He wants a three-way desperately. He thinks about it all the time, and it seems to come up in almost every conversation we have. I feel that this goes beyond just a fantasy. We used to have a great sex life, but now I feel as if I have to beg for it. He wants this to happen NOW. I think it should just happen naturally if it is going to happen. I don’t think there should be any pressure on it. We tried going to a swingers club, met a couple, and fooled around. He started to have sex with the wife, and it was okay. The wife was not interested in me at all, though. I agreed to all of this because I have always been bi-curious, but I never had the opportunity, so needless to say I did not enjoy myself very much during this encounter. My fiancé was not satisfied, though. He still keeps bringing it up. I think it is a deeper feeling that he missed out because we got together so young. I have repeatedly told him I am fine with taking a break so he can go get some other ass before we get married, but he will not listen. I am completely satisfied. We are both happy and love each other. I just constantly have guilt about being the reason he can’t have what he wants. Is there anything I can do? Please, help.

Not Enough For Him

When a person says she wants something sexual to happen “naturally,” NEFH, what she means is “spontaneously.” Three-ways don’t happen that way. An opposite-sex couple that wants to have a three-way is gonna have to make an effort, NEFH. You’ll have to take out personal ads, go to swingers clubs, and approach trusted friends or exes and carefully broach the subject. (A gay couple that wants to have a three-way? They just have to leave the house. Pretty much.)

So your fiancé is right: This won’t happen if you don’t make it happen. But your fiancé is also being a douche. If three-ways are all he can talk about, and if he’s so obsessed with three-ways that he’s not interested in two-ways (with you) anymore, then he’s consciously or subconsciously sabotaging your relationship. Offer him a deal: So long as he makes the two-ways happen, you’ll help make the three-ways happen.

On the Lovecast, Dan and Janet Yassen from RAINN talk about recovering from rape: savagelovecast.com

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My son is 15 going on 16, and he’s been experimenting with masturbation. At the moment, I pretty much just think fine, whatever, he’s a teenager, there’s very little I can do about it. So long as he doesn’t get porn-obsessed and start letting his grades slip, it’s fine. The issue is that, a few months ago, his younger sister found one of her tampons in the garbage, and it was covered with poop. She brought it up to me and my wife, and we didn’t think much of it—until a couple of months ago, when my wife discovered, again, a used, shitty tampon in the garbage. We had a talk with our son and told him that we understand he is maturing sexually and we don’t care how he explores his sexuality. However, we also don’t want to find shitty tampons or whatever else in the garbage. Then, a couple of days ago, we were going to bed and we heard a noise coming from his bathroom. We checked it out and found his toothbrush in the sink, butt-end being rinsed with the water running full blast for who knows how long (he was downstairs). We asked him why he was doing that, and he said the cat had pissed on his toothbrush. We think his story is bullshit, as although the cat does piss on the floor, the cat has never peed on a counter before.

We are fine with him exploring his sexuality, but at the same time, we don’t want to find tidbits of what he’s doing out in the open. As I’ve explained to him, he needs to do a better job of hiding it, because if a friend had come over and found a shitty tampon in the garbage can, what would they think? However, it looks like shaming him to hide it better might be the only way. What are your thoughts on this? Are we in the wrong here?

Perplexed Over Progeny’s Sexuality

You haven’t found any more shit-covered tampons in the trash since you spoke to your son about it months ago, POPS, so either he’s doing a better job of hiding those shit-covered tampons—he’s honoring his father and mother—or he’s not putting his sister’s tampons up his ass anymore. And your concern for the delicate sensibilities of your friends is a bit of a reach. A true friend wouldn’t paw through the trash in your bathroom, and anyone who did dig through the trash in your bathroom deserves to find not just one shit-smeared tampon, but a handful.

As for the toothbrush, POPS, it wasn’t left “out in the open.” You found it in the sink in his bathroom. You discovered it because he stupidly left the water running full blast, it’s true, but it wasn’t out in the open in a shared communal space. If you had texted me the moment you found the toothbrush, I would’ve immediately texted you back and advised you to turn the water off and refrain from asking your son about the toothbrush. If you had to say something to him about it, POPS, I would’ve advised you to go with this: “Don’t leave the water running in your sink.”

Your son would’ve figured that you saw the toothbrush, figured that you figured it had been in his ass, and never made that mistake again. (Just as he’s never made the tampon mistake again.) But you made the mistake of asking your son for an explanation (“Why are you doing that?”) in a context where (1) your son isn’t going to tell you the truth (“The cat pissed on it, Pops!”), and (2) you can’t handle the truth (“I was fucking myself in the ass with it, Pops!”).

Zooming out for a second: A boy who’s almost 16 isn’t “experimenting with masturbation.” He’s perfecting his technique. And we can deduce from the tampons and toothbrushes that your son likes assplay. That’s not a problem. Inconsideration used to be a problem (disposing of shitty tampons where his family members might find them), but he’s knocked that off, right? So the only remaining problem is that he’s putting things in his ass that aren’t designed for assplay.

If you don’t want your son abusing any cucumbers or mixing spoons or Oscar statuettes that might be lying around your house—and if you don’t want to have to rush him to an emergency room in a few months to retrieve something that gets stuck in his ass—consider purchasing a few ass-appropriate toys for him, i.e., one or two small silicone butt plugs with flared bases. He’ll be mortified when you give them to him, POPS, but no more mortified than you were when you found those shitty tampons.

Buying sex toys for kids is a hurdle most parents can’t clear. If it’s not something you can do, then you’ll have to turn a blind eye to any toothbrushes you might find in sinks over the next few years.

You’ll also want to thoroughly wash cucumbers before consuming them.

Say your boyfriend has a spanking fetish, and he spanks other women with one particular belt—but not you, because you don’t like it, but you’re okay with him making dates to spank others—and he wears that particular belt all the time, even though you’ve asked him not to. What’s going on here?

Ass Spared, Feelings Hurt

Equal parts inconsideration (on his part) and insecurity (on your part) are combining to create unnecessary drama. If spanking is so central to his identity that he has to wear his spanking belt every day, you may be the wrong girlfriend for him. If seeing an easy-to-overlook reminder of his fetish leaves this hurt, you’re less okay with those spanking dates than you pretend to be, ASFH, and he may be the wrong boyfriend for you.

I recently came across a pair of my ex-girlfriend’s lacy panties in an old pair of shorts I haven’t worn in years. I love wearing women’s panties, and I almost hit the floor when I found them. I was a mess after this girl dumped me. I was devastated. To this day, I have not found closure. This is where it gets tricky. A part of me wants to keep them because it’s so hot that they’re hers. I’m happy with my current girlfriend—I love her—but these panties really turn me on. The other part tells me to “show some respect” and get rid of them. Is this an ethical or moral issue? By keeping them, am I driving a wedge between me and my girlfriend? Any advice?

Old Panties Protocol

You’re entitled to your memories and your keepsakes. And if a pair of panties can drive a wedge between you and your current girlfriend, OPP, then your relationship is made of pretty flimsy stuff. If an old pair of panties doesn’t destroy it, the next strong breeze will.

Keep the panties, I say, but put them away somewhere that isn’t easily accessed—in a box in your storage space, on a high shelf in a closet—so you aren’t tempted to haul them out every time you want to have a wank. But now and then, maybe when the girlfriend is out of town, I don’t see the harm in retrieving your ex-girlfriend’s panties and enjoying a nice, long, leisurely wank down memory lane.

And finally, OPP, closure isn’t something you find. It’s something you do.

On this week’s Savage Lovecast, Dan chats with writer Katha Pollitt about reframing attitudes about abortion: savagelovecast.com.

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